Becoming SoCal

Up until two years ago, I enjoyed hiking in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. There is absolutely nothing like being completely engulfed in trees in every direction for miles. Then, I moved to San Diego County, California. I’ll be frank; it hasn’t gone well. I’m miserable, and my mental health is in the toilet. I’m not doing so hot, but I’m trying to fix that.

What happened?

I grew up about 20 minutes outside of Bellingham, Washington State. We lived in the woods, where I spent my childhood hiking barefoot among tall trees and thick ferns. I remember hiking deep in what is now Lookout Mountain Forest Preserve, though as a child it wasn’t developed as a park yet. My favorite places were trails like the Oyster Dome, Sharpe Point in Anacortes, Skyline Divide near Mount Baker, Iron Goat Trail near Stevens Pass, and many others. I spent a few years living in Selah, WA, in an even more rural area than I grew up in, full of wide open spaces, with Mount Rainier National Park just an hour down the road.

Then I moved to Southern California. “SoCal.” I hate it here. I hate the cost of living. We are in the most expensive housing market in the country, gas is expensive, entertainment is expensive…hell, even the county parks charge for parking here! They call it the “sunshine tax”, but honestly I hate the sunshine also. I miss snow in the winter and soft, gray, drizzly days. I miss the deep woods. There are small patches of trees here, but I don’t think a single person here understands what I mean by “deep woods”, as the places that have been suggested to me so far haven’t fit the bill. I hate how urban it is here. Every place is crowded and traffic is a mess. On top of it all, I went from being unattached and free to married with stepkids in a very short amount of time, and I was wholly unprepared for how hard that transition was going to be. In short, I deeply, profoundly despise living here, and it’s taking a toll. I’m becoming seriously depressed. I’ve been spending a great deal of time just bed rotting, and I need to do something about it.

Why don’t you just move back?

Just move. Everyone always says just move away, as if that is a simple or feasible solution. Unfortunately, it’s neither of those things in my circumstance.

See, I got married. In the middle of a pandemic, I somehow met and fell in love with an adorable goofy man who loved hiking and adventure as much as I did. We got married in 2021, but things got complicated shortly thereafter.

We were both divorced, and while I thankfully have zero ties to my ex, this man has kids from his prior marriage, and they had moved with their bio-mom to San Diego County. He never could afford to follow them, but shortly after our marriage, circumstances arose that threatened to put them into the foster care system. I can’t go into the finer details of those circumstances for legal reasons, but we ended up moving across the country so he could take on a greater role in their lives.

Because of the shared custody situation, it would be insanely difficult to move away and still have the kids. Prior to moving here, he only saw his kids one weekend a month, if that, and moving away would likely mean a return to that situation. He is unwilling to do that, understandably.

I suppose I could “just move,” but that would mean leaving behind my husband and stepkids. As much as I love trees and snow-capped mountains and rural freedom, I still love my husband more and want to support him, so moving is not an option.

Why this blog?

All of this has been a profoundly isolating experience. I don’t want to say I’m hoping that I am not alone, because this has been hell, but I hope that if someone else finds my story relatable, that sharing can be helpful.

I also need to stop bedrotting so much and get out more. I used to write a hiking blog, and I am hoping to restart that. In order to have a hiking blog, though, I will have to go hiking.

When I went through my divorce after my first marriage, I went through therapy, and one thing my therapist said about a month in was, “When did you last go hiking? I never see you light up except when you talk about your hiking stories.” At the time, I was so overwhelmed it had been a while, and when I went out into the woods that weekend, I broke down crying. It was a huge emotional release for me.

There are no woods near my new home, unfortunately, not like what I am used to at least, but I hope that by assigning myself the responsibility to go explore the area I can find something. It may not be what I am used to, but I hope to find someplace I can fit in.

I hope to become SoCal.

Because I’m tired of hating it here. I’m tired of feeling desperate and miserable all the time. I need a fresh perspective. I need a new lease. I can’t just wallow around in denial about my circumstances, hoping to wake up and find out this was all just some nightmare. I need to accept that I live here now, and I need to make it work.

I’m getting outside. I’m navigating the step-mom transition. I’m trying to find my place in a crowded and unaffordable world. I share all this in the hopes that someone finds it helpful. This is my journey.